Weird i know.. don’t judge me.
My Grandad has been dead 5 years, 5 whole years. But it feels so much longer than that.
I never had my Dad, i don’t want him. He’s a useless waste of space as far as i’m aware, that’s the likelihood of it anyway, it’s complicated. But anyhow enough rambling.
I believe in life after death, I’ve always had suspicions, seen things, heard things, been told things i couldn’t explain. My family are kind of wiken.
I went to see a medium, i gave her no clues, i said nothing. But the things she told me baffled me. & now i believe 100%
Anyhow, if he was alive, or could see me/hear me…
Grandad, i miss you. More and more every day.
Our family fell apart after you left. literally.
There’s no connection, no bond, no love anymore.
I always try to think of what you’d say, what you’d do or what you’d tell me to do when i’m feeling lost. A part of me knows you’d be ashamed if you saw what your little girl had done since you left. But i know you will always be proud of me.
I know you have my Steven. I know you’re looking after him. The woman told me, i didn’t even mention it, she just told me! That’s how i know it’s true.
I know he is safe in your hands and i know one day i’ll get to hold him in my arms, like i should be doing every day but i’m not.
It scares me that the more i try to think of you, the less i can remember. You’re picture is the first thing i see when i wake up and the last before i fall asleep. But it’s little things i miss.
your voice, i can’t hear it in my mind when i think of you, only very rarely can i remember it.
your smell. Your hugs.
But there is one thing i’ll never forget, the way your whiskers used to prickle my face when i kissed you. That i’ll always remember.
Your blue eyes, the sadness and pain constantly in them, except for when i used to walk through the door, they’d light up and you’d smile.
That crooked smile that i loved so much, that i miss more than i can explain.
I remember the way you used to sit, hunched over because of your curved spine. The sound of you coughing all the time. The piles and piles of books in your bedroom.
How you used to be able to sing the whole of the song ‘i’m forever blowing bubbles’ when you were drunk! :’)
You didn’t deserve the pain you went through for all those years. You had a good life, but not a full one. You didn’t deserve what you had to suffer for 26 years, all the illnesses, the pain, the incapability to do day to day things properly.
You were the only one that knew how to dry my tears, you taught me the most valuable lesson i will ever learn.
“Without my weaknesses, i wouldn’t be strong”
You’re my hero. You always have been, you always will be. You’re the bravest man to have ever lived in my eyes, the most loyal and caring.
I’m not just saying it because you’re my Grandad, but because you’re an unbelievable human being.
I love you more than i will ever love any Man, more than any Daughter will love their Father, because you were more than that to me.
You were my Grandad, my Dad, my Best friend and my role model.
I’ll do you proud one day Wild Rover, i’ll go to Ireland, and you’ll come with me :’) <3
